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About Intimate Partner Violence

Module Purpose

The purpose of this module is to:

  • Develop a shared understanding of intimate partner violence and why this topic matters.

  • Learn about the impacts of intimate partner violence and who is affected.

  • Dispel common myths and misconceptions. 

  • Learn ways to recognize and address intimate partner violence, and how to help those impacted by it.

  • Locate resources for additional information and support.

 

Lived Experience: Peggy Carlson

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Read Peggy’s Story

I’m Peggy, and I’m a 32-year-old woman with an 8-year-old boy named Brian and a 12-year-old girl named Amanda. Bruce and I have been married for 14 years. I work as a medical assistant. We live in a small, rural town. It’s a close community, but sometimes people are into everyone else’s business.

The other day, I arrived home from work after stopping at my parents’ house. My mother had called to ask me to drop off some medicine for my father on my way home. Because the store is so close to my office I assumed this would be a quick stop, but there was a long wait at the store and by the time I got home I was about 45 minutes late.

When I walked in the door, Bruce was with Amanda and Brian in the living room. They were all playing with a brand-new puppy that Bruce just brought home – a puppy we never discussed. He confronted me about being late and accused me of hanging out with my guy friends from work. I told him he’s crazy and that I had to stop at the store for my mom. I noticed he had had a couple of beers. That made me worried, so I offered to call my mother, even though I don’t like to involve my parents. But he didn’t seem to hear me and he kept yelling at me about being late so I started to get upset. I was really worried about the kids seeing all of this and I just wanted him to stop. I told him he was being stupid and to try to calm down. This only escalated his anger and he ranted that he knows my mom has lied for me in the past and would do it again. He yelled that he was trying to do something nice and surprise everyone with a new puppy, but I screwed things up by not being home for the surprise. Then, he kicked the dog in front of the kids.

 

About Intimate Partner Violence

The definition of intimate partner violence (IPV) varies in different contexts, but is commonly understood as any act of violence or abuse that causes physical, sexual, emotional or psychological harm to one’s (current or former) intimate partner. Families Thrive recognizes IPV as a serious, preventable public health problem that affects people and broader communities across the globe, regardless of age, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, religion, socioeconomic status, or educational background.  

IPV is complicated. Violence can be thought of as a learned behavior, often from the family of origin. A higher percentage of perpetrators of IPV were exposed to domestic violence growing up, although many children exposed to domestic violence do not abuse their intimate partners. However, it is important to acknowledge that early childhood experiences of trauma, abuse, and violence may impact how a person relates to others.  

Trauma-Informed Lens

A trauma-informed lens is a useful perspective that helps us to recognize patterns of violence and to consider how IPV is influenced by social norms and personal experiences of violence, including being a witness. A trauma-informed lens also encourages us to consider the role of power and control in IPV.

Power and Control

IPV stems from a pattern of power and control often learned in a person’s family and from cultural norms, such as the acceptability of violence, traditional gender roles, and beliefs regarding family privacy. These patterns can be continued throughout people's lives unless the patterns are interrupted and people are able to learn healthier ways of relating and for dealing with conflict. 

Forms of IPV

 IPV can vary in frequency and severity and often involves ongoing patterns of abusive behaviors. IPV takes a number of forms, including:

  • Physical violence is when a person hurts or tries to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, or using other types of physical force.

  • Sexual violence is forcing a partner to take part in a sex act when the partner does not consent.

  • Emotional/psychological abuse is threatening a partner or loved ones, or harming a partner’s sense of self-worth. Examples are stalking, name-calling, intimidation, manipulation, and isolation from friends and family.

  • Reproductive coercion is any act that limits a current or former partner’s reproductive rights and reduces their reproductive autonomy. For example, tampering with birth control or other contraceptive devices to intentionally cause an unintended pregnancy.

  • Financial abuse is controlling and limiting the victim’s access to financial resources. 

  • Religious abuse is abuse that occurs under the guise of religious practice, such as justifying violence or control to correct or avoid sinful behavior.

  • Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as social networking, text messaging, or other online mediums to bully, harass, stalk, or intimidate a current or former partner.

  • Teen dating violence is a form of IPV that occurs between youth and can include any of the above types of violence. Teen dating violence is often overlooked as a “normal” part of adolescent life and can have severe short and long-term negative consequences. For more information see the Teen Dating Violence module.

 

Lived Experience: Carla Flores

Read Carla’s Story

My name is Carla. I’m a 36-year-old woman with a 13-year old daughter named Ashley and a 6-year old son named Miguel. My husband and I were married for over 10 years. Now I live with the love of my life, Laura.

I grew up with mis abuelos, my grandparents, living in my home. While our family seemed happy on the outside, my grandfather was often abusive to my grandmother. My husband started the same stuff with me. Witnessing the violence between mis abuelos was very difficult for me as a child and I didn’t want my children to go through the same thing

It took awhile for me to finally leave. Then I met Laura. She was like a savior. She loves me and my kids.

 

Common Myths about How People Might Experience IPV

Stereotypes and assumptions about IPV can limit our understanding of who is impacted by IPV and how, and can get in the way of providing support to those in need. In this section, we explore some of the common myths about IPV and offer some valuable information that helps to broaden our understanding of people’s experiences of IPV.

MYTH: “No-one I know is in a violent relationship, that stuff just doesn’t happen in my community”. 

Some people may think that IPV is rare and only happens in certain communities. The fact is, IPV is an all-too-common problem that affects all kinds of people and communities across the globe.  IPV does not discriminate. In the United States, on average 24 people experience some form of IPV every minute - this equates to over 12 million victims of IPV each year (1). Over a 10-year period (2003-2012), IPV was found to account for roughly 15% of all violent crime in the United States (2). IPV does not only impact victims, but entire communities and its social and economic consequences are far-reaching. It is also important to note that IPV remains one of the most underreported crimes due to stigma and fear of consequences for oneself, one’s partner, or one’s family (3). 

MYTH: “He’s never hit me, so I wouldn’t consider myself a victim of abuse”. 

The term “violence” is often assumed to refer exclusively to physical violence. The fact is, the term goes beyond physical harm to include the many other forms of violence and abuse that occur between intimate partners (see “About Intimate Partner Violence” in this module). Intimate partner violence is a pattern of power and control. People may never experience physical violence in their relationship. However, this does not make their experience of IPV more acceptable or less harmful. The assumption that IPV must include physical violence can lead to a dismissal of other serious types of abuse that may occur and can prevent victims from acknowledging the need for or from seeking support. 

MYTH: “There is no way he is the victim here, he is twice her size!”

It is often assumed that women are always the victims of IPV and men are always the perpetrators. The fact is, men can also be victims of IPV. It is estimated that in the United States, more than 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime (3). Stereotypes and gendered language around IPV (e.g., women bashing) can erase these experiences and make it difficult for men to seek or find adequate support. This also means that determining rates of IPV for men can be difficult, as men are often reluctant to report their abuse and may be unlikely to recognize their abuse in the first place. Not only do gendered stereotypes about IPV erase or minimize the experiences of men, but they can also harmfully reproduce the notion that men are inherently more violent, or that it is more acceptable for men to perpetrate violence against their partners.

However, it is important to acknowledge women are disproportionately victims of IPV. While statistics vary over time, it is commonly estimated that, in the United States, more than 1 in 3 women have experienced some form of physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime (4). This appears to be on average worldwide, where prevalence rates have been found to range from ~24% to as high as ~38% (5). Globally, nearly 40% of all murders of women are committed by an intimate partner. 

Myth: “IPV is a straight issue and doesn’t happen in LBGTQ relationships”. 

People may think IPV only impacts heterosexual relationships. The fact is, lesbian women and bisexual men and women have been found to experience higher rates of IPV than their heterosexual counterparts. The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (NCAVP) annual report on IPV shows that a majority of IPV victims identify as LGBT+. While less is known about transgender individuals, studies have suggested that transgender people may confront similar, if not higher levels, of IPV. LGBT+ victims of IPV also face a number of unique barriers in accessing services and support. For more information regarding IPV in LGBT+ communities see Module x.

MYTH: “He’s never seemed like the violent type to me, she must have really been pushing his buttons.”

People may think that victims of IPV must have done something to provoke their partner. The fact is, IPV involves ongoing patterns of power and control that often go unnoticed by others. It is rarely a one-time event. In addition, regardless of any precipitating factors, it is never the victim’s fault. Violence or abuse against one’s partner in any form is never justified. Perpetrators of violence often take great care in managing their public perception. Blaming the victim can be another manipulation tactic used to maintain power and control.. Victims often blame themselves and downplay the severity of the violence they are experiencing. Victim-blaming is a serious problem as it often acts as a barrier to seeking and receiving support. 

MYTH: “If it was really that bad they would leave. Why would someone stay if they were being abused? I wouldn’t stay for a second if that was happening to me.”

People often think it is an easy option to leave an abusive relationship. In fact, leaving any relationship can be very difficult. Many factors can make ending a relationship a very difficult decision. There are many valid economic, cultural, social, and emotional reasons why a person might choose to stay in a violent relationship. Factors such as economic dependence; few viable options for a new place to live; lack of support from family and friends; and unhelpful responses from the criminal justice system or other agencies may make it even more difficult to leave.

 In addition, not everyone wants to leave. Many victims of IPV don’t want to stop being with their partner, they want the use of violence and control to stop. T Supporting people experiencing IPV doesn’t always mean helping this person leave their relationship. The expectation that people want or should want to leave a violent relationship can prevent victims of IPV from seeking support. 

Studies have shown that the process of separating from and leaving an abusive partner can increase rather than diminish the danger for victims of IPV and their children. Victims live with threats such as, “if you leave me you will never see tomorrow” or “if you leave me you will never see the children again”. Perpetrators of violence often increase these threats and increase the violence and control tactics if they believe their partner is leaving or preparing to leave. See the module on IPV in LGBTQ+ relationships for more information. 

MYTH: “We all snap under pressure… everyone has their breaking point.”

Many people might think stress causes people to become violent. The fact is, stress is a part of everyday life and all people have to navigate different stressors at different times. People also deal with stress differently and not all people are equipped with the same resources to deal with stress in healthy ways. Larger sociocultural and economic factors can compound stressors for people and can make accessing healthy options for dealing with stress more difficult. However, taking out one’s frustrations and difficulties on others is never acceptable and the dynamics of IPV are far more complex than just stress. For more information about stress and how this relates to IPV, see Module xx (on trauma). 

MYTH: “Children don’t know what is going on if they aren’t in the room.” 

People often think children aren’t impacted by intimate partner violence that is occurring in their home. The fact is, even if children are not present in the room or seeing the domestic violence, they are experiencing it. Research on brain development is providing new insights into how children are impacted by intimate partner violence in the home. Children have a good sense of knowing what is going on with their parents. In addition, studies show that child abuse occurs in 30-60% of family violence cases that involve families with children. For more information on how IPV affects children and adolescents, see Module xx. 

MYTH: “My grandparents grew up in a different time, that’s just how their relationship works”

Many people may think IPV is not a serious problem for older couples. The fact is, IPV can be a serious issue later in life and there are a number of factors influencing older adults that may actually elevate their risk for IPV such as increased rates of social isolation, increased financial dependence, age-related physical and cognitive impairment, and the influence of traditional gender norms. The assumption that IPV does not impact older adults can lead to the dismissal or minimization of IPV and can be a barrier to seeking or receiving support.

 

Lived Experience: LaTanya Johnson

Read LaTanya’s Story

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My name is LaTanya. I work as a high school science teacher and have two teenage children - Kimmy who is 15 and Mike who is 16. I’m honestly still in shock that my life has come to this. Clinton and I met in college and I thought he was the perfect guy, and would be the perfect husband. I mean, sure, he was controlling sometimes – I think he would get jealous of my girlfriends and not want me to go out with them – but I just thought that was because he was crazy about me. And he was, for years.

One evening, a few weeks ago, the kids and I were just settling in after a long day – Mike and Kimmy had a bunch of homework, and I was trying to get dinner together. Clinton got home and I could tell immediately that something was wrong. He seemed tense and started complaining about his rough day at work. He’s a managing editor at the local paper, and they’ve had a bunch of layoffs. Clinton recently was forced to fire some of his friends at work. He has been worried that he was next.

I poured him a drink and asked him what happened during his day.  I tried to gently remind him that the family can’t live on my salary alone, so Clinton needs to be careful and avoid being fired. Clinton got angry and exploded at me. He told me, “You think I don’t know that!” He told me I was never supportive, always critical, and not the person he married 16 years ago.

And you know what? I just lost it. I am sick of being blamed for everything that is wrong in Clinton’s life and I told him so. So then Clinton really got heated up, and he looked like he was going to slap me, but Mike, our sixteen-year-old son, stepped in. Clinton pulled his hand back and tried to laugh it off, telling everyone to relax.

I was so afraid of Clinton, and of this whole situation at this point. His verbal attacks were escalating into physical attacks in front of both children. The fact that Mike stepped in to protect me really freaks me out. Kimmy, our fifteen-year-old daughter, asked me and Mike to come into the bedroom. We followed Kimmy into the bedroom and she shut the door and asks if we’re ok. But you know, Clinton, he realized that we are all in the bedroom together, and he locked us all in by putting something by the doorknob.

What happened next involves some speculation, but Clinton says he was smoking and the nearby curtains caught on fire on accident. Mike thinks he tried to kill us.  Thank goodness Kimmy had her cell phone – she called 911, the fire trucks and police arrived.  Clinton ended up being arrested.

 

Lived Experience: Frank Baker

Read Frank’s Story

When I turned 61, I finally realized I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. I heard a program on the radio about sexual assault and I knew that I needed help. I reached out to a national organization www.1in6.org on chat and they referred me to a therapist and support group for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

I had never told anyone except for Bertie what happened to me because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I was 13 when abuse first started, one of my favorite teachers molested me. I thought it was my fault. I felt so ashamed. In school, I was always in the office for being really angry, throwing chairs. By 18, I was using alcohol regularly, it was my coping mechanism.

As a husband and father, I had a hard time controlling my emotions. I was often angry and would have angry outbursts. I thought I was the cause. I felt it was weak or “not man enough” to ask for help.

 

The Power & Control Wheel

The Power & Control Wheel displays an interrelationship between power and control, the tactics used to reinforce power and control, and the different threats of violence and abuse (the outside ring of the wheel).

The wheel is used to convey the nature of violence and abuse. The wheel illustrates the relationship between abusive behaviors and violence, and depicts people’s experiences of being subjected to a pattern of power and control by another person.

It is important to note that the graphic is an illustration of domestic violence. Not all people control with the same tactics or violence. While there are common characteristics across people who abuse, such as tending to see themselves as the victims of those they abuse, we cannot group all people who abuse into a single universal category or type. It is also important to note that not all tactics of abuse are obvious to others outside of the relationship, and sometimes to the victim themselves, and at the same time can be extremely damaging.

Download a copy of The Power & Control Wheel

 

Lived Experience: Julie Baker

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Read Julie’s Story

I’m Julie and I’m 21. I know I am supposed to love my Grandma, but she makes it really hard. She has always been mean. To Grandpa and to anyone else who crossed her path.

People would minimize it, saying she was just a woman, how could she do any harm to anyone? But it did hurt. It hurt everyone who was in her life. Even Grandpa. Even though he is 6 foot 3 and Grandma is only 5 foot 2.

Grandpa would often get upset and say “that woman ruins everything” especially when Grandma was verbally abusive to the grandchildren. She would control their money and who Grandpa could talk to or spend time with.

 

What Can We Do?

Practitioners may find themselves challenged to understand the level of power and control a person has over their intimate partner. This lack of understanding can inadvertently add to the harm caused by abuse (1).

In order to not cause further harm to people experiencing abuse, we need to understand the fuller context of the situation. To start, we can work to distinguish who is doing what to whom and with what impact.

By doing so, we can better understand any given act: the intent of the person abusing, the meaning to the person being abused, and the effect on the person being abused.

Knowing the circumstance is very important. The following three questions will help.

1. Is this action part of an ongoing pattern of behavior?

For example: Your colleague calls in sick from work a lot, and more than once you’ve heard her on the phone with her husband whispering “please don’t be mad.” Abusive behaviors don’t happen just once – they occur over and over. It is a pattern.

2. Does this pattern of behavior instill fear?

Fear is a powerful way to exercise control over someone. A person who abuses may use ongoing threatened and actual violence, isolation, economic, or emotional abuse that instill fear and exercise control.

3. Does this pattern of behavior result in control over another person?

A key element of intimate partner violence is control over another person. Intimate partner violence allows a person to exercise control over one’s partner. If the balance of power shifts, there is a risk of escalating abuse and violence to maintain control.

What else is important?

Listen with support and without judgment

  • Be thoughtful in our responses

Show respect to parents around their children

  • Talk respectfully

  • Respect their wishes

  • Talk to parents privately away from their children for sensitive conversations

Offer practical resources

  • Find out what immediate needs the family has (e.g., food, housing, medical care, sleep, cell phone)

  • Find out what other needs the parents and children have (e.g., someone to watch the children, car repairs, assistance with utility bills, job, support in school)

  • Help parents spend stress-free time with their children

Talk with parents about the harm caused by the abuse

  • Discuss how children are impacted by intimate partner violence

  • When people question the impact of violence or abuse and believe things will change if they do something different, discuss ways that they can reduce the possibility of harm and increase safety

  • Discuss the risks of intergenerational transmission of abuse and how to break the cycle

Sources

  1. Adapted from “Repairing the Harm: How Family and Friends Can Help Battered Mothers and their Children” (Praxis International).

 

Lived Experience: Aimee Choi

Read Aimee’s Story

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My name is Aimee Choi. I am 34 years old. I have two children, Anna who is six, and Nelson, who is three. I have been married for nine years. I work as a human resource specialist for a software company. My husband and I both come from big families, and our families also live near us. We are all very close. Or at least we try to be.

The other day, I come home after picking up Anna from school. When I arrive, my mother-in-law is in the kitchen. My husband, Young, begins yelling and berating me. He tells me that I should have left work early so I could make dinner instead of his mother. I apologize and try to explain that if I left work early I could lose my job. Young tells me he wants me to quit my job and that he never wanted me to work. He reminds me that he works as much as he does so that I can be home with our children.

Young tells me I am a bad mother and role model. He says that Anna needs to understand how Korean women are expected to act. Then he starts yelling at Anna to get her brother a drink and to start helping me with dinner. I step in, and quietly tell Anna to go get changed and start her homework in her room and that I can make dinner. Young gets mad and his mother jumps in and starts yelling at me, saying that I am a bad wife and need to take better care of her son and grandson. This infuriates Young even more and he orders me to quit my job. He continues to tell me that if I do not quit my job tomorrow he will take the children away. He says that I will be sorry, very sorry if I do not obey him.

I take both children from the room to the kitchen where I begin to prepare dinner. I leave Young and his mother alone in the living room. This is not the first time he’s done this – we have this conversation often. This is the first time he’s felt like he could do it in front of his mother, though. I don’t know how I will continue to live like this. I have no idea where I can go if I were to leave. There is a lot of shame in leaving the family.

 

Critical Thinking

This section is intended to allow us to integrate the training content into the lived experiences of families. Each of these critical thinking questions addresses one or more of the people in the Carlson, Choi, or Johnson families, and examines an aspect of their lives.

Take time to think about each of these questions, and think about responses from multiple stakeholders’ points of view. It may be helpful to go back and review sections of the curriculum, re-read the experiences of each family member, and engage in dialogue with community partners and co-workers.

  • In what ways do you see Clinton’s behavior instilling fear in LaTanya?

  • How do you see Bruce demonstrating a pattern of abusive behavior towards Peggy?

  • In what way do you see a pattern of ongoing abuse by Young toward Aimee? What tactics of power and control do you see?